Floyd spoke for fifteen minutes about a van he had when he was in college. It was butterscotch brown, and had an airbrush painting of an oceanfront scene in Miami on its door. The interior was upholstered with lush turquoise shag carpet. This reporter is unsure of how this fits into the greater framework of the story, but Floyd did go on at length about it so GRR has to mention it.
"The thing I am talking at you today about is a slip of the mind, like your brain hitting a patch of ice, and wham! down you go on your mental knees. I'm not going to waste anymore of your time with my pontificatin'. I ain't now, and wasn't ever rich." Floyd's audience gasped. "That yearbook photo you saw was a picture of my cousin Hubert. He's my cousin on my dad's side, and the dude does indeed have a lot of cash." Hubert, Floyd continued, dropped out of school shortly after that photo was taken and traveled to some joint in Paris so he could paint portraits of prostitutes and milk maids.
Hubert is on the left; our potential future president on the right.
"What about your school, then?" a chipper marsupial asked Floyd from the front row, addressing the Institute for Wayward Wealthy Fauna that Floyd opened in late March to teach rich spawn how to get through life better by acting less rich.
"Well, that's a mighty good question," Floyd answered, his shoulders hunched. "I guess it's easy for me to teach the rich ones how to be poor, because that's the only road I've ever known."
"What about the River Horse Haberdashery shirt you were wearing at your last press conference? Poor types can't wear that stuff," a turtle (unrelated to Rusty) said, regarding candidate Hedwig's pricey line of boutique clothing.
"Oh, that was just a chotchke from some political mixer or whatnot. I didn't buy the sucker; it just came to me." Floyd said, before his security detail whisked him off the stage.
GRR's research department found an actual high school photo of Floyd, seen here next to the image of his cousin Hubert. It is clear one need not be an owl or a hawk to be capable of spotting the differences between the two young walruses.
GRR News is wondering what Floyd will do next, how he will save his crumbling campaign before the election, just over a month away. If you are wondering the same thing, there's only one place to find out: GRRNews.com.
Reader Feedback:
Anyone who follows politics at all knows that this is the best thing that could have happened to Floyd. If he can start creating a good "excuse" for his lie about being rich, he will have the election in the bag. Animals love tragic stories like this, especially when the animal in question is destroyed in the end but then comes back stronger than before. It's like theater!
-Joel, Sea Lion, Pacific Coast
I wonder what's gonna happen to that school? I'm kind of rich and wanted to go there.
-Mary Beth, Hamster, Bennington, Vermont
See?? See!? This is just what I'm talking about. If Floyd can so casually lie about his past like this, and he KNEW he was doing it, then what else will he lie about?! If we forgive him this time, then next time, when he's president, and he lies about something really big, he'll expect we'll just forgive him again. We simply can't vote for him. So don't!
-Tracy, Emu, Montana
As one of the students at Floyd's excellent school in Greenwich, Connecticut, I have to say I no longer care if Floyd is rich or poor. He has done great things for me. As a rich kid, I never had fun before. And no one EVER took me seriously when I sang rap music. Now I have my own EweTube show and most of my friends agree I am way more "street" than I was before. Long live Floyd, doodz! Peace, out.
-Lil' D, Panda, Connecticut
World Report
Floyd's Financial Flip-Flop Redux: Now Claims He Was/Is Poor
