Original Publish Date: January 15, 2008
Arts, Entertainment and Style
Romps & Frolics with the Fecund & Famous: Ptolemy Hippodaddy!
By Gizelle
New York--How rare it is for Gizelle to have the opportunity to speak with politicians when cutie pie smarty smart newswoodchuck Chumley is in da GRR house, but I stopped by his office yesterday and said "pretty please" in my most convincing eye-batting style and he said, "Kid, you've paid your dues. It's time you took a stab at a real story." And so here I am reporting on the super serious Ptolemy DNA paternity suit. Like Woodchuck Chumley would say, though, Don't bury the lead, kid! So here comes the lead and just consider all of this background to put you in the extra know!
GRR News correspondent Nipsy broke wind yesterday of big news! That political candidate Ptolemy is indeedy the daddy of a little hippo chile in Vegas, DNA told him. For all of you who don't know about DNA, it is not a famous musician like P. Dingo or AYE-T, I learned. Gizelle Gerbiled it and found that it is a scary and intense-sounding thing called Deoxyribonucleic acid that is inside all animals and plants. The building blocks of life! So exciting and intellectual, not at all like fashion and the party scene, but still kind of like a party on its own. A smarty party, not that Gizelle knows anything about these. DNA from inside Ptolemy was matched with DNA inside baby hippo calf, and Voila! It's the same kind. I know what you are thinking. You are thinking, Gizelle, what if Ptolemy's DNA matches a million other types of hippo DNA and even that of a monkey or owl? It doesn't work like that. Apparently \(stay with me, even though this is radical and hard to believe science fiction stuff\) every animal has different DNA, like if you had your own special fashion designer that never made anything for anyone else. What a dream! Ptolemy DNA is in this hippo baby, and so wait a minute. Gizelle is confused. If every animal has different DNA, how come the baby hippo has the same as Ptolemy? This serious news business is difficult and gives me the kind of headache that can only be worked out through expensive deep-tissue massage in Dubai.
After some explaining from Juliet over lunch at the excellent Ruminant Grill, Gizelle learned that DNA from the mom AND dad goes into the baby and then some of the DNA matches the dad and some matches the mom \(so I wonder why they didn't check the mom, Lana, too? That's a question for Ptolemy! Read on!\). Anyway, the DNA from Ptolemy matches some of the DNA in this baby calf, so now to the interview we go. Nipsy asked Ptolemy for an interview, but the candidate said he'd only do it if Gizelle interviewed him. Isn't that a funny one! First serious request ever for Gizelle to talk politics! I'm not surprised though. Gizelle can't even get Nipsy to party. So, I said yes and called Ptolemy at his third home in Paris to talk about the little hippo everybody says is his. Our interview went just like this:
Gizelle \(that's me\): Ptolemy! What do you know?
Ptolemy: Gizzy, party on! I'm still recoverin' from New Years like a mofo!
Gizelle: Word to that, my girthy friend. So tell me about this DNA story.
Ptolemy: It's a funny thing. I've heard DNA is not reliable.
Gizelle: You mean like a friend who always says she will meet you for drinks and cancels at the last minute leaving you \(gasp!\) without plans?
Ptolemy: Just like that! You got it, girl.
Gizelle: Wow.
Ptolemy: Yeah.
Gizelle: That sucks. So, is the hippo your calf?
Ptolemy: No.
Gizelle: That is crazy, dude.
Ptolemy: Tell me about it.
Gizelle: How does DNA get into your body? Do you eat it? Maybe the baby hippo just ate some of your DNA?
Ptolemy: That is a strong possibility I've been thinking about, although he is a good-lookin calf. Reminds me of me when I was little. But yeah, I think I lost some DNA when I was out there in Vegas. Some here, some there, you know how it goes. Got to spread it around...
Gizelle: You are too much, Ptolemy. Let's be serious for a minute. I thought of something. Why is it that the mom's DNA wasn't checked?? Nobody thought to check her!
Ptolemy: Gizzy, that's right. I think there's some serious bias in this whole thing. Somebody is just trying to ruin my name and my campaign and I'm going to find out who it is.
Gizelle: That is admirable. What's your next move?
Ptolemy: Party time! Vote Ptolemy!
Gizelle: Rock and Roll the Vote, Ptolemy! Thank you!
[Eds. Note: The views of this reporter do not necessarily represent the views of GRR News, its affiliates or subsidiaries.]
