Original Publish Date: January 14, 2008
World Report
'Hare She Blows! GSA Raises Threat Level to "Run for Cover!"
By Woodchuck Chumley
Wales, United Kingdom - Global Security Agency \(GSA\) spokeshound Mitch Riley announced today that it would raise the Global Terror Threat Level from yellow \("Be on alert"\) to orange \("Run for cover"\). The agency says it has solid proof that Welsh rabbit terror groups are not the only ones storing GULPs, or Gastronomically Umbrageous Lagomorph Pellets, a highly dangerous substance potentially used for massive attacks against animalkind. The GSA did not share details in the interest of global security, but attested "multiple cells have been found around the planet, each with detailed plans for attacks." Based on the intelligence they currently have, the GSA believes GULP attacks could be imminent.
Spokeshound Riley told reporters this morning: "We have reason to believe that rabbit terrorists have the intent and the resources to attack various locations in the coming weeks." Riley would not name cities, villages, waterways, or forests that may be potential targets, but noted that maps of rivers, lakes, and shores, along with sketches of jungles and forests were found on confiscated hard drives in ten cities.
When asked to identify the rabbits' enemies or even a motive for the potential attacks, Riley said he couldn't specifically say without threatening the safety of intelligence agents currently in the field. "The reason we are telling the public today is because we found data on confiscated computers, combined with the upswing of grunting and snorting chatter on rabbit phone lines as of late," Riley claimed - though he would not reveal any specifics of what agents heard on the phones.
GRR News asked Riley live at the conference if the GSA had tangible proof of GULPs, or indeed of the cells allegedly stockpiling them. Riley replied, "We have strong reason to believe these cells are storing GULPs and have the intention of using them against innocent victims. That's all I can say for now. Thank you very much." With that, Riley left the podium.
This Global Terror Threat Level scale is sponsored by Torpor, Inc. -
makers of Vertebrexstracil, Permahibernatracil, and other swell drugs.
"Run for cover!" is one terror level down from Red, or "Take Permahibernatracil." [Eds. note: Now available without a prescription!] Sources close to the GSA told GRR that the GTTL will probably remain at Orange for a few weeks, then settle back into yellow or "Be on alert." Though they also warned that it could move to Red at any time.
The GSA arrested 276 rabbits in late 2007 on suspicions of terrorism, but has since released half. The arrests started when more than two tonnes of a substance thought to be enriched rabbit fecal matter-a highly combustive material used in the development of complex weaponry now knows as GULPs - was excavated from a rabbit community in Wales last week. GSA spokeshound Riley said new information could lead to a rash of arrests worldwide in the coming weeks. Stay with GRR News for updates on this developing story.
Reader feedback:
Okay dogs, now I'm getting freaked. I don't want any of these rabbits near me. I refuse to even eat at the restaurant around the corner from my house, because it's owned by rabbits, and they probably use the kitchen to plot mine and my family's death!
-Edward, Persian Cat, U.K.
Everyone is overreacting. It said right there in the story that the rabbits don't even necessarily have GULPs in these other locations. So what if they had maps of forests. Maybe they were planning a trip! Don't overact to this hype. They're just trying to scare us so we all vote for someone more like the Lion again instead of insisting on change.
-Wilma, Bluejay, New England
I don't care what you brainiac types think. I am going to dig an extra hole under our current hole and hide my family there until this is OVER!
-Alan, Rattlesnake, Mexico
I am a rabbit and I can tell you that not all rabbits are evil or wish to harm animals. The GSA has no evidence and is making us all look bad. I can't answer for the rabbits in Wales or anywhere else, but I can say that every animal is different, so don't judge the colony based on the actions of a few.
-Beverly, Rabbit, Withheld
Kill all rabbits. Ask questions later!
-Joe, Hyena, Africa
